Articles

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE
A memo to the family cat and dog .

Dear Dog and Cat:
When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plant and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.) The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximum space used is nothing but sarcasm.) My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years … canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.) The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door … Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about out pets:

•  They live here; you don't.
•  If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
•  stay off the furniture.
•  I like my pet better than I like most people.
• To you it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and you can make sure who they're spending their time with and avoid any little surprises!

KOKO'S REWARD
Koko, the famous gorilla who communicates in American Sign Language, told her handlers at the Gorilla Foundation in California that her mouth hurt. So one day, they put her to sleep, gave her a dental exam and pulled a tooth. While they were at it, though, they also gave her a gynecological exam and a colonoscopy. The way to encourage animals to behave responsibility is to give them a little treat. With the “reward” she got, Koko many never report a toothache again.

THE BACKYARD DOGS
You see one in every community; a dog tied day-after-day to a back porch or back fence, lying lonely on a pad of bare, packed dirt. The water bowl – if there is one – is usually empty or just out of reach. Abandoned – but chained up, backyard dogs cannot move to comfort, shelter or companionship. In winter, they shiver; in summer, they languish … year-round they suffer.

Even thousands of years ago when humans and other animals lived outside, there was a cave or den for shelter, and people and dogs lived in small groups or packs.

The truth is, times have changed, but we and the dogs haven't. We are both pack animals; we are not solitary animals. Tigers and pandas are solitary animals that tend to live alone except at mating time. Domesticated, companion dogs no longer have packs of other dogs to live with, so they need to be members of human families – surrogate packs. And both people and dogs are “den” animals. This is why dogs can be housetrained so easily. They want shelter in a safe, secure den – your house – and they want to go out to relieve themselves.

Of course, dogs can be forced to live outside, alone and away from their human pack. But to force this kind of life on a dog is one of the worst things you can do. It goes against the dog's two most basic instincts – the needs for a pack and a den.

If you have doubts about this, think of all the whining, barking, clawing dogs you have seen tied alone outside. These dogs are trying desperately to get the attention of their human families. In time, they will just give up and become either listless or hyperactive, and perhaps fearful or vicious, when the stress of solitary confinement becomes too much.

People who keep their dogs constantly tied outside rationalize it, saying that they do spend time with them. But even the most well-meaning among them do not spend significant time with their animal companions – especially when it is raining or when the weather is very hot or very cold.

Under the best of circumstances, then, the backyard dog gets a bowl of food and water, a quick pat on the head and maybe a few minutes of contact with another living being each day. The “owner” leaves. The dog remains in misery in solitary confinement.

Dogs can offer people the gifts of steadfast devotion, abiding love and joyful companionship. Unless people can responsibly accept these offerings and take the time to return them in kind, it would be best for them not to get a dog. A sad, lonely, bewildered dog tied out back only suffers, and what sort of person wants to maintain suffering? Reprinted from “The Animals' Agenda”